Monthly Archives: March 2011

March 31, 2011 · 11:21 pm

Word Nerd Attack! (featuring Janelle Monae and Nicki Minaj)

Among the many beautiful words in the English language, there is one that I hold above all others, one that is nearest to my heart, one that rolls around my mouth and off my tongue in such a pleasurable fashion…that this is getting pretty weird. Which word you ask? Amalgam. Confused? Go on, say it. Now say it again. Hot, right?

Right. But upon visiting my word crush, ’cause I like to get my lovin’ while I got it on my mind (one of the many joys of spending my days with Merriam-Webster’s), I was generally and unfortunately horrified by what I found: “a mixture of different elements“. Really? Can “mixture” truly capture the meaning of this spectacular term? Wouldn’t “blend” be at least nominally more accurate? I’m disappointed in you Webster’s, and I do not want to talk about it.

So I decided to take a crack at capturing the essence of this lovely word by creating my own awesome amalgam, or by amalgamating my awesomeness, if you will. So I took one part Janelle Monae:

who is super cool and slim enough to pull off menswear like a champ

and carefully BLENDED one part Nicki Minaj from The Creep video

in which she gives big-bootied girls everywhere hope for wearing men’s inspired fashion, and came up with this:

Is that a successful amalgamation or WHAT? I’m way into it. So take that Webster’s (seriously though…we can make up now, if you want. Oxford’s American means nothing to me. It was one time. I love you).

Ok, nerd out.

Well, the Ides of March Have Come

Happy Ides! With Caeser 2055 years dead, and the spring festival right around the corner (’cause the color of the chocolate on the eggs matches the color of the wood on the cross…), I thought I’d reflect back on my favorite new-hat-related-winter-slash-year-round-face discovery before it’s too late. Well, not my discovery actually, but that of a really nice guy. This one requires few words, so please excuse my terseness

I was so ecstatic about the darling accuracy of this comparison that I took my gentleman friend out for breakfast, where I ordered pancakes

Only to later find, to my dismay, that he’d roofied my whipped topping

And I was like, “Et tu, Spider Cahoots?”

Ay, they have come, but they are not gone.

I Have Found the One My Heart Loves. I Wore It and Would Not Take It Off.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you ever seen perfection and thought “I want that on me. NOW.”? Well, I have.

Now, I’ve been with a lot of sweaters. And I mean A LOT. Pullovers, cardigans, v-necks, crew-necks, turtlenecks, wool, cotton, short sleeve, long sleeve, three-quarter…you name it, I’ve had it. But it never really felt right. Sure, they would make me happy for a season or two, but then my eye would wander, or they would lose shape, or my tastes would change and they just wouldn’t suit me anymore. One way or another, we would grow apart.

Oh, bittersweet fickle fashion, don’t you know that all I ever wanted was to find that sweater I could grow old with? You know, the sweater I would wear when I was having children? The one I would eventually die in? A beauty that’s a little bit Bardot…not crazy 21st century Arab-hating, PETA-loving Bardot,

but Nouvelle Vague sex-pot Bardot, in all her striped glory

and a whole lot of Audrey, in her infinite elegance,

with just a dash of my most under appreciated style influence

Alas, I’d all but given up hope. Where would I, how could I find such a beauty? Surely, a love like this could never exist in such cynical and untrustworthy world. I resigned to spending my life shivering in the cold, with only a meaningless string of the thinnest gray low-cut v-neck American Apparel shirts barely sheltering me from the harsh elements of this cruel world.

Then, just when I’d given up hope, I saw it,