Love in a Time of Tiny Top Hats: The Shopping Edition

For someone whose clothing addiction will very likely lead to a featured spot on Hoarders (fingers crossed!!!), I very rarely shop anymore. This is mostly due to years of over-spending and impulse control problems that I’ve only recently been able to quell with the use of psychotropic drugs (too real?). Still, looking awesome requires a certain amount of output, and last week I found myself forced to leave the comfort of my own computer for some necessary items.

Anyone who’s ever had the displeasure of shopping with me will tell you that it’s a frightening experience. While I pride myself on my remarkable efficiency and eagle-eye for excellent items, most of my friends and lovers find the experience jarring and stressful. So in the words of that tall, light, and handsome leading man, now I go out alone if I go out at all. However, now that I’m back in the ‘burbs, there are some pleasures in shopping that you don’t find so much in the city. You know, games like “Which Shapeless Sack Should I Buy?” 

Where you have to choose between the short shapeless sack or the slightly longer one (note that both are marked as size 2). So fun.

Games aside, my mission was clear: I needed a new (preferably mini) bowler and a blazer for interviews, both of which I successfully acquired:

Hmm…my bangs could use a little poofing there…

Pretty good, huh? You’d hire me, right? With gams like that? Sure, I’m no Lauralou or anything:

But that’s just sick. Like, female body builder sick. Nah, I’m just jealous. But what can I do? Not all of us are willing to crush the skulls of babies and small animals between our thighs just to tone our legs.

I digress. In addtion to the acquisition of these exceptional necessary items during my shopping trip, I also took the time to learn a few really valuable lessons.

First, sometimes things cost $10, and so you have to buy them. For example:

I also learned that sometimes you find a mustard color sweater, and since mustard is one of your favorite colors, and sundresses aren’t really appropriate in October, you have to buy that too:

More importantly, I learned that sometimes the things that cost $10 are so awesome it’s actually ridiculous, and so you have to buy them too. These things are frequently pink, pleated, ruffled, AND tiered:

But perhaps most importantly, sometimes things are so magnificent that you are actually powerless against them. You are drawn to these things, compelled, as if by forces beyond your control. You don’t know if it’s right or wrong, all you know is the benefits so outweigh the consequences, you have to take the risk. In the end, this is the story of one of those things:

That’s right, if you just believe it, there’s nothing to it. So now here I am, living the dream in a tiny white top hat, complete with sequin bow and open net veil.

But wait, does this mean I’ve forgone all progress and fallen back into old habits of over spending? No way; costs for the day totalled just under $50. Sometimes I’m the best.

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Filed under Awesomeness, Fashion, Style

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