The Squirrel That You Kill in Jest, Dies in Earnest

Ok, let’s do this.

First of all, Halloween. Let’s get this out of the way. I had big plans for a Halloween post. I already had everything I needed for a Tin Man costume (what does this say about a person?), along with completely earnest intentions to walk around all night telling people that “now I really know what it’s like to have a heart, because it’s breaking” and homoerotically rubbing up against anything made of straw. But there comes a time in everyone’s life when it doesn’t matter what you dress up as, because you just end up going as a dumb drunk slut. The holiday season is upon us people, and may God/Allah/Buddha/Shiva/Justin Bieber/Tom Cruise/Taylor Swift have mercy on our souls.

That said, I’m gonna go ahead and ask for your assistance. Last night I sent out this mass text:

Thu, Nov 4 9:52pm Me: Umm…as a 25 year old woman, do I need a sweater with a big furry tailed squirrel on the front?

That’s right, another important issue that we’ve all been faced with at some point in our rapidly paced modern lives. What happened was this: as per usual, I went shopping with a singular purpose, to obtain this beauty

which I had spotted on a penniless night in the city a few weeks ago. I was sadly confronted by the last two in stock, sizes 12 and 2. The 12 was out of the question, despite the fact that earlier in the day I had nearly crashed the car trying to butter a roll while driving, smearing butter all over the wheel in the process (that’s considered fat behavior, right?). I tried to sausage myself into the 2, to a sort of inverted Randy Parker effect:

It wasn’t cute.

So what did I do? Leave the store disappointed but with extra money to stash away for my escape from suburban dread? No. Have you met me? Even if you haven’t and you just happened upon We Look Awesome during a routinely innocent engine search for “Golden Girls insemination”, it should be obvious to you by now that I didn’t go quietly. Instead, I bought the most outrageously ridiculous and proportionately over-priced item in the store:

Hence the text. Before I go on, let’s get a closer look at this bad boy:

Yep, this exists. But what am I to do with it? Seriously, this shit cost me $50, I actually want to know what you think. Am I past the age where I can buy things just because they’re this ambiguously awesome? At what point are we supposed to stop wearing clothing with depictions of wild life? Will this sweater get me beat up at 3rd grade?? How many squirrels were injured in the making of this garment?? Is a squirrel really just a rat with a cuter outfit?? Is it EVER appropriate to quote Carrie Bradshaw?? SHE’S NOT A REAL PERSON, IS SHE????

As a jumping off point, I’ll give you the feedback I’ve received so far.

First, Lauralou:

Thu, Nov 4 9:52pm

Umm…as a 25 year old woman, do I need a sweater with a big furry tailed squirrel on the front?

 Thu, Nov 4 9:53pm

Laura M: Like a 3D furry tail? For once I’m gonna say probably not.

 Thu, Nov 4 9:54pm

Me: Yeah, like with actual fake fur.

 Thu, Nov 4 9:57pm

Laura M: That doesn’t sound cute. Probs because there’s currently an actual squirrel tail on the sidewalk where I run. And that’s what I’m picturing.

 Thu, Nov 4 10:00pm

Me: Ok…I’ll return it. I mean…I won’t buy it and never saw anything like that.

 Thu, Nov 4 10:02pm

Me: Although, given your personal history with squirrels, you might not be the best person to ask.

 SIDE NOTE: Lauralou went to school in Kingston, Ontatrio. Apparently the squirrels there look like this:

Thu, Nov 4 10:03pm

Laura M: This is true. I am very biased. Whateva you do what you want.

 Thu, Nov 4 10:05pm

Nah, it’s probably gross.

 BUT IS IT????

Next…well, I’ll protect this guy’s anonimity, since he digs privacy. Besides, we’re not supposed to be texting about squirrel sweaters due to extreme mutual emotional distress. So I’ll just call him “Chet O’Ronald”. You know, he’s the guy that Whitney Houston is singing about in this video, one of the best dance videos of ALL TIME? 

Yeah, that guy. Let’s see what he had to say:

Thu, Nov 4 10:29pm

Chet: It depends upon the girth of the squirrel’s body and the diameter of its head.

 Thu, Nov 4 10:32pm

Me: For diameter I’d say approx 6 in. bunched and 3×5, respectively. Also the tail is real fake fur. This shit’s for real [Chet]. Can you be there for me on this or what?

 Thu, Nov 4 10:35pm

Chet: Do it. It’ll be funny.

 Thu, Nov 4 10:40pm

Me: Srsly though, this squirrel sweater cost a pretty penny. It has an actual squirrel nail gunned to the front of it.

 Thu, Nov 4 10:41pm

Chet: That’s fucking fucked up right there. That’s nuts. SQUIRREL PUN.

Was that helpful?

Lastly, Ariel, with trademark precision:

Fri, Nov 5 9:10am

Ariel: Um the answer is yes!

So what do I do? Or, as Whitney wondered how will I know??? I’m askin you what you know about these things.

**Coming next week: Matthew Bourne and nominally less trivial material. Check it out!!!